let's set the world on fire

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession

1. Sink into depression and not allow myself back out

2. Snap at mum

3. Fight with Alex for a TV remote. (I hate puberty)

4. Say no

5. Stopped talking to B and A

6. Gone to that public school

I feel so successful!

I put out the candy boxes to each of the apartments.

I went shopping with mum, bought origami paper, Star Trek:2009, Good Omens (for my brother’s Christmas present), and a few other christmas-related stuff.

Bought #23 of FMA. Making progress with the series!

I’m gonna finish painting my pumpkins now, seeing as I kept putting it off all month.

While watching Star Trek.

I’m awesome. :)

I’m making origami boxes to put candy in, and I’ll leave them at the doors of each of the apartments in my building. I’ve made six, and there’s 12 apartments in all, so I’m working on 5 more. I also puzzled out how to make a crane, but they’re slightly more difficult than one’d think.

Boxes: http://www.origami-instructions.com/origami-star-box.html

Very easy to make, and origami itself is a very theraputic art. If I’m still interested in it after a few days, I might buy some proper coloured paper.

Would you have been able to say that to her face?

I’m glad that you said something. This is how problems get resolved.

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession

IN NO DISCERNABLE ORDER.

1. Boobs. I mean, aren’t big ones heavy, or uncomfortable? Do they get in the way? I wish my boobs were smaller, just so I don’t draw too much attention to such an uncomfortable point on my chest. They’re also so troublesome when it comes to crossplay. (and then that leads me to wonder about sexuality and whether or not saying ‘I’m asexual’ gets the message across, or if I should tack on ‘pansexual’ somewhere/time. Which leads to thinking about mum’s disapproval of my possible gayness.)

2. My friends- all the time. I wonder how you’re doing and if I was ever needed when I wasn’t there. I hope you’re okay and that you have someone to lean on and talk to, because loneliness can be a powerful thing.

3. Music. It’s like a constant echo in the back of my mind. Not to use the relation of a song being ‘stuck in my head’— that’s a different matter entirely. The echoing is more of a comforting white noise.

4. “Is this acceptable?” I tend to worry contsantly on social cues, and end up viewing myself as a very awkward person. (In consequence, if I make the first move in a romantic relationship, write it down or something, because it’s very likely I never will, regardless of my feeling on the matter.)

5. Criminal Minds/Star Trek. Self-explanatory.

6. The sky. You never see the same one twice.

7. My mother’s health, my own maturity towards parents, as opposed to the kids around me who claim everyday to hate their mum and dad. This also ends up bringing to light how different my views can be on the world compared to my friends and accquaintances at THS.

Pretty much, I miss you guys a lot, feel less weird for babbling random shit around you or flailing for no reason. I would rather show you all my artwork than even bring my sketchbook to school, because there sometimes are hidden sensitive and questionable subjects in select drawings.

 I is rejected. :(

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession

Keep in mind, I don’t exactly have much experience with the whole romance thing. The best ‘reality’ I have is a disneyed version of the world, and I’m not sexually attracted to anyone. This can either limit my view of life, or expand it beyond the simplistic idea of Prince Charming and The Kiss.

1. Colour. I love it, and there is no such thing as a bad colour choice.

2. (as mentioned yesterday) Created gifts.

3. Being nice. Not just to me, but to anyone else you come across. I’m the last person to go to if you want to bitch without necessary or plausible cause. I see rainbows and sparkles, not ill intent.

4. Honesty— I’m way too gullible. Childish, almost. So don’t lie, ‘cause I’ll probably believe you. On top of that, trust is different, it’s when one feels comfortable with telling another deeper secrets. It uses honesty, but goes a bit further. If you don’t want to lie to me, but can’t tell me, then just say so.

5. Appreciation. Again, not to me. If you can appreciate good things like old disney movies or animes, or the effort a kid puts into their finger-painting, then that’s a good soul.

6. I love contact. Hugs, for no reason whatsoever, make me feel more comfortable with the person, that they can stand me enough to touch me. Holding hands is like step 2 of contact, and I appreciate it with close friends, but sadly no one else deems it acceptable except at conventions. Kissing on the cheek is acceptable to REALLY close friends, but anything beyond that and I’ll question your behaviour.

7. If you like something, say so. And I don’t mean “do you like what I’m wearing?” I mean, do you like the smell of fallen leaves? Do you like it when people laugh with you? Do you like large crowds, or smaller, more personal groups?

8. If you don’t know something, for gods sake ask, don’t just assume an answer. I’m horrid for asking help at school, or asking friends for favours, but that’s not really what I’m referring to. If I really don’t know something about someone, I’ll observe to see if I can pick up the bit of information in passing conversation. If not, ask. There’s no such thing as stupid questions, only stupid answers.

ohmigad that was weird to write.

I’m not sure if I should put more emphasis on my childish happiness or my asexuality at this point. Then again, it’s not like anyone’s got out a pen and paper and are taking notes. These are pretty useless/vague points.

To Micah,

It’s okay if I say it, because I know what I mean. I’ve just been called obsessive before, and I didn’t really take it very well. Self-preservation and all that. It doesn’t really sound very nice coming from someone else. I suppose if the person says “WE obsess over ___” instead of “you’re obsessing” then it’s better.

Flemming College is kind of scattered onto four campuses, but if I take the course I want to I’ll be in Peterborough.

It was like a godsend when I saw it written in the book I found! I sit in the guidance office for lunches because I don’t like people watching me eat, so it’s a definite bonus that all there is to read is a bunch of college and university pamphlets.

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession

1. I’m a Drifter. I shift from one group to another, watching and learning the mannerisms of that particular group, and managing to sit on the sidelines with the freedom to move to the other group. Kind of a neat and useful trick— I can go from computer geek to manga fan in seconds.

2. I’m a Mimic, too. I see what you’re doing, I see how you and ‘your people’ act, and can mimic it just well enough to not seem too strange, yet add a bit of uniqueness so it’s not obvious I’m copying people. This has a downside, too— if I read a book with a character who is abused, I accidentally mimic the signs of abuse, wanting to know just how the character feels.

3. I crowd my walls with pictures and art so I don’t feel crowded by emptiness. With design and colour, it makes me feel a little less empty/lonely myself, and of course I can always admire the art given by friends and pictures of good moments.

4. I’m very, very confused as to what I want to do after High school. I first throught, “Behavioural psychology/criminology” because I want to do something good for people, but this is also mainly influenced by Criminal Minds. Then, I took a programing course, watched a shitload of Star Trek, and thought, “computers.” Finally, I’ve found a program in Flemming College that combines the two, and I’ll be checking out the college itself on Monday. *so excited!*

5. I actually like it when people call me cute and short, but not too often. It’s just kind of proof that I’m not using mind tricks on myself when I look in the mirror and see something I like. I beat myself up when people call themselves ugly or fat, because they’re skinnier/prettier than I am, and I see myself as Right.

6. HATS. Like you would not believe. I actually have a tic when I get really emotionally unstable, I’ll claw at the back of my head just above my neck, and wearing hats not only keeps my head warm and looks cool, but prevents me from doing that too often.

7. My friends— you guys— really do mean the world to me, and I have a seriously difficult time choosing the college right for me over the one that you say you might be going to. Perfect example: Micah wanted (at one point) to go to Humber, so I checked it out and picked out courses from their list that I would be most interested in. But I didn’t really want to go to Humber, I just want to be within a short distance of SOMEONE. I’m deeply afraid of being alone in the future.

8. I love created gifts. Micah’s making sweaters. Jackie painted me a box and a picture. Viki, Arissa, and Haylee drew me pictures. It’s these things that I’ll always remember who gave them to me, and it reminds me of what amazing people I know. After a few years, I’ll forget whether it was Dad or Mum that gave me a piece of jewellary, or even if That Book was a gift or not. But those created things… they have a signature.

9. I obsess. Criminal Minds, I have four seasons and my decisions are greatly influenced by it. Star Trek, the characters are amazing and it truely is timeless— I’ll be obsessing over that for quite some time, at the very least until I get a new obsession. Other past loves (that never really die, they stick around and are still loved) are Kingdom Hearts, Pirates of the Carribean, Naruto (shush, I do still like it a little), boxes and bags, Fullmetal Alchemist, Legend of Zelda.

I will not like you if you say I obsess, because I see the phrasing as rather insulting. I love things. I cling to things. They give me inspiration just as much as my friends do.

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession

1. I love you, honest to god I do, and I’m sorry if I don’t show it all the time but you gotta admit that we clash. Horridly. You get along better with Alex than you do with me, and when you misunderstand ‘amusement’ for ‘terrible anger’, it hurts. Just please stop doubting me, and my friends, and my honesty and trust. I’ve gotten excellent friends with my gullibleness, and I’m not ready to see the world through your cynical, bitter lense.

2. I’m sorry for not having the courage to say anything. I want the subject to be brought up again, but at the same time I’m afraid of the time we have left, and the distance between. I want to take a chance, I don’t want to hurt anyone… yet I’m pretty sure I’m already did. I’m sorry for my selfish, over-logicked actions.

3. You are way too selfless for your own good, and I’m starting to sound like Tarot cards, but take some initiative and eat that chocolate cake. Indulge a little bit in yourself, do nice things for yourself and get her off your back. You don’t deserve that— and I should know more than anyone. It’s been a long time since elementary, and there were empty spaces, but we’re filling them in.

4. THANK YOU, I love you so goddamn much. You’ve introduced me to so many different things in the expanse of time that I’ve known you, and I’ve never been more grateful to a person. The worlds we’ve explored together never go a day without a thought from me, and there’s no way I’d have the muse and inspiration I do now if it weren’t for you. I hope I’m not imposing on your household when I continuously visit, so you’d better damn well get your ass over here next time. Though I believe we’ve already agreed on this. XD

5. Thanks for making her laugh all the time. She and I have our disagreements, but at least she has someone to talk to. You’ll never read this, obviously, there’s a reason why it’s secret. But at least the thought is there, right?

6. I miss you, you’re so far away and when we went on base I kept expecting us to walk down the way to your house, but no, you’re not there anymore. I’m so happy for you, that you have that kid, though. He’s good to you, I can tell, because you were smiling and laughing on webcam. Don’t give up hope, woo him into your arms or something. <3

7. Thank you for pulling through so many times. I’m sorry I imposed my ideas on you, I’m sorry for any more mistakes I made— and likely will make— during our friendship, and I honestly wish you my best. Do what you want to do, not what someone else dictates, because improbability is better than impossibility and there are so many different worlds to explore. Put on your cowboy hat and get on out there, regardless of what They all say.

8. Talk to me more, man. You’re an interesting person, and probably the one guy I actually relate to more than anyone at school. Yeah, it’s pretty sad that you’re moving, but I respect that and don’t want you to be as miserable as I can be when lonely, even if it’s just for ‘a few’ months. I’m glad you can joke around with everyone else too— you’ve got history here. We’ll all be sad to see you go.

9. Live long and prosper. Play your guitar ‘til the end of time. Just don’t do it after 10pm!

10. Thank you for being my friend. I kind of figured that after ignoring humanity for most of last week everyone’d think I was shunning them and didn’t want to be their friend, so I ignored humanity even more. But when I give one simple ‘go ahead’ motion, you just jump right back into it as if there was never a silence. I guess maybe we’re mostly just desperate for human contact and intelligent (*coughGeekyCough*) conversation, but hey, it works. You’re an awesome person and I’m glad I met you.

…Or not.

Going Trick-or-Treating with Mary, which is good because it’s local and I don’t have to lug anything anywhere or sleep over. Everyone else is going to Halloween parties and I definitely wouldn’t want to go even if I was invited.

Still confused about how-to-make-friends. I mean, it’s not like Everybody Loves Me. That’s just an illusionous mask. A pretty one, but still a mask.

I’m not allowed to leave Trenton for Halloween. As in, Mum’s forcing me to use fresh relationships with people I barely even know, and she wants me to ask these people what they’re doing for Halloween and if I can go with them Trick-or-Treating.

Seriously. Picture that situation in your head for a moment— new kid asks to hang out with you on such a holiday. To me, it appears kind of rude and assuming. And I’m kind of lacking in the confidence to ask such a thing. My best bet would be to call Rebecca, and even then she’s probably having a party, or going treating with other people.

Life terrifies me.

And now, Mum’s accusing me of having no friends, and saying it’s my fault. She’s ‘challenging’ me to get friends. Joy.

The way she talks, she knows I’ve put the world to you guys— there’s nothing else that matters as much, and for some reason that’s insulting to her. It’s almost like she wants me to put a little less value in you guys.

How— how did you do it? Get friends so quickly after moving away, or after other people disappeared? I really don’t know how to make friends.

So I want to do something special for Halloween.

Y’know, go to Angus or Petawawa maybe.

Guess not. We’re kind of broke.

And by kind of I mean mum can’t drive me anywhere because she’s spent too much time and gas money on driving to Ottawa to go to the hospital, and she has to pick me up on Monday from the halfway point.

Halloween is a very important holiday— to me, it’s a worldwide convention, where we all share joy and candy and ghost stories. It’s also pretty much the Christmas of Pagan religions, known as Samhain.

And I don’t get to celebrate it with my family— you guys.

I’m disappointed in this.

http://spiritday.tumblr.com/